Welcome to the BDSM Unleashed Blog Hop, where authors and bloggers are giving away free erotic books!
My debut novel, Giving It Up, is in an awkward spot when it comes to BDSM. That is, many people wouldn’t consider it to have any. There definitely aren’t any of the normal props and though it is at times painful, there isn’t really erotic pain in the usual sense. However the genre is officially “BDSM Suspense”, at least according to my publisher, and that is due to the dynamic between my hero and heroine.
Colin is naturally dominant and Allie is naturally submissive. She also has masochistic tendencies. She has a rough past – specifically, she’s been raped before. And as the book opens, we find her seeking out rough, dirty sex with strangers. That is, until she meets the hero. Ohh, he has some opinions on that matter.
I received a really great question on my blog tour, which was to ask whether Allie had acquired her masochistic or submissive mindset as a direct result of the rape. This can be a controversial topic because of its implications… for example, if I say yes, then am I also saying that BDSM is only a result being victimized?
But if I say no, there is no link… well, that doesn’t quite hold up either. The shame and guilt she feels about the rape are still raw, and therefore relevant to her current sexual encounters… how could they not be?
My answer then was that her submissive tendencies were innate but her self-destructive behavior at the club was a result of the rape. That sounds reasonable although even now I’m not sure. How can they be distinct? Allie’s present will always be influenced by what happened. In real life, a woman who was also a victim, or who wasn’t a victim – every part of her sexual history shapes her current sexual identity, doesn’t it?
To be frank, I am personally more concerned about the idea that if a woman has been victimized, she somehow loses the right to consent (or not) to BDSM activities. That if Allie’s sexuality was shaped by the rape, that maybe her submissiveness doesn’t count.
Hmm. Here’s the blurb for Giving It Up….
Allie prowls the club for a man who will use her hard and then ditch her. Hey, it’s not rape if she wants it. Instead she finds Colin, who looks tough but treats her tenderly, despite her protests.
He tempts her, but kindness and a few mindblowing orgasms aren’t enough to put her back together again. Allie has no hope for a real relationship. Two years ago her best friend betrayed her in the worst possible way – she’d be stupid to trust a man again. Besides, she has her daughter to think of, the only good thing to have come from that dark night.
But when her rapist returns, threatening her sanity and custody of her daughter, Allie turns to Colin. Under his protection and patient touch, Allie begins to heal and learns to hope. Colin’s no saint, though, and his criminal past draws danger of its own. Allie must fight to protect her child and the man she loves, hoping her newfound power will be enough to save them all.
And if you’d like to find out for yourself, it’s available at Amazon and All Romance Ebooks.
We’ve got some awesome prizes on this hop, so do visit the other stops and be sure to enter to win the grand prize. I’m giving away a copy of Giving It Up. I’d love to hear your perspective on the topic of innate sexuality and how sexual events change us and what the distinction means to you.
Also be sure to enter my Release Giveaway where you can win cool prizes, including a Kindle Fire.
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While I think basic things about one’s sexuality are innate, so many factors are bound to change over time with new experiences and knowledge. Even subtle things can have a profound effect, so a life-changing event (traumatic *or* positive) is bound to be monumental.
I think this is the nature/nurture argument that has gone on forever and will never have a simple answer, I tend to fall in the camp of both. We have natural tenancies and desires and we are effected by our lives and what we are exposed to.
Your book looks fascinating, thanks for sharing your ideas as well.
Carin mawmom(at)gmail(dot)com
I think for the most part, we are born with the ”bones” of our sexuality. And learn the rest. I cannot know if her submissiveness is learned or was always there. But you do know. As the author, you do know. It doesnt have to make sense to anyone else. Each of us has things, issues, ideas, needs that someone else would not understand.
I think everyone is born with a natural sense of their sexuality but as with just about anything else, it can be shaped by our environment. The people in our lives as we’re growing up have an influence on how we view sex.
suz2(at)cox(dot)net
Speaking from experience, sex was something that was not discussed at all growing up. I learned the ‘birds and bees’ from school and by reading about it in books and from friends. Did I feel like I wanted to engage in it simply because it was taboo in my family, not really…I felt repressed for a while actually, until I found my sexuality. But I didn’t go wild with it, it was all consensual, I knew what I was doing and getting my needs met.
I’m going to agree with Susan on this! I think we are all sexual people but it grows and develops from our experiences and influences.
I believe we all come into our sexuality naturally. Life experiences, exposure, add to or take away from it.
I think that both our surroundings and events affect us. the old nature vs. nurture. I am not sure we can separate the two.
Yvette
yratpatrol@aol.com
I think that we come into are sexualtiy naturally and that it develops from the experiences we have. Thanks for the chance to win!
I think we are born with sexuality and just like other things some are more dominant/submissive than others. Then I think events that happen to us shape how we react. So I guess the distinction mean we can change our minds on what we’ve learned but basic sexuality remains the same.
I think our environment shapes us greatly. Sexuality was somewhat strange in my growing up years. After being a victim of sexual violence at a young age, I also had to reach inward to find my strength and who I was going to become. Sex can be a beautiful thing or it can be a weapon of destruction. I choose beauty. I choose the right to control my sexuality through the books I love and what I write about it.
On that light note, happy blog hop. Celebrating the freedom to read.
I would love to read your book. It looks wonderful!
Best,
Erzabet
erzabetwrites (at) gmail dot com
As a victim myself, I’ve never been able to open up completely. I’m holding back as my way of keeping control. I’ve been married for 11 years and I still don’t think I’ve opened up completely. So I do think that rape has a lot to do with your sexuality, or lack thereof.
I grew up in a very open household and have become a victim but that has not changed me. I think that having help and love surround you some people can regain their strength and hopefully their own sexuality and inner strength.
Gabrielle
meingee@yahoo.com
I think we each have naturally sexually tendencies however some people avoid what seems to come natural or events may trigger us to suppress them. In a perfect relationship(s), we can discover and nurture our true selves.
areeths at new dot rr dot com
That’s a tough question…I think we are all born with an innate sexual nature but it is shaped by who we meet and our experiences. So both…
Thanks for participating in the hop. Added your book to my wishlist. Thanks for a chance to win a copy.
starsia_70@yahoo.com
I think we grow into our Sexuality, that we learn and grow through things we learn. Thank you for the giveaway,,
ronnkelly3@aol.com
For me personally it was marriage. Being with someone I love and trusted helped me open up. I think we have our sexual preferences when we come into our sexuality but it takes awhile before we are comfortable in our skin to let them come out. This sounds like a great book. Thank you for the giveaway.
kaylyndavis1986@yahoo.com
I think all our experiences contribute to how we are today, whether we were victimized or not. I also think that how a person dealt with the trauma will always have a bearing on how we feel/react sexually and how comfortable we are with ourselves.
Wow, that’s a tough subject. I believe that there are a lot of things that can influence our sexuality. As times change, so does the acceptance of “different” types of sexuality. Also locations, it might not have a real big
influence, but it’s hiding there in the background. I also believe people that you are with can have some influence as well.
This book looks like a great read. I’m loving this hop.
I think this goes back to the nature vs. nurture argument that’s been going on forever. You may have dominant or submissive tendencies and certain reactions to pain that are genetic, but you are also shaped by your experiences. Case in point, what about homosexuals who pretend to be straight because of their bad experiences? They’re gay, yet they act straight in some cases due to their experiences. That doesn’t make them any less gay or mean that they can’t express their sexuality in the future. You are born with the urges, how you act on them is due to experience.
tiger-chick-1(at)hotmail(dot)com
I think that being a submissive is innate…like being gay…its just something you know, have always known. But I think that what happens to you in your life can influence what you need sexually.
andieleah78@gmail.com
I definitely think that a person either has or does not have submissive or dominant traits. I don’t think that being abused or mistreated will make someone submissive. I also do not think that submissive persons are victims or weak. I would think that I would have to take a very strong person to submit to another person, especially if they have been abused.
But, of course that is just my opinion.
no need to enter me for the giveaway. I already have this book
I don’t think there is a simple answer because I believe that events in our lives can change us in someway. The change will be different for each individual.
mythic021@gmail.com
I think we are born with what we find arousing… we may not realize that something arouses us until we experience it, but it’s always been there. It’s kind of like whether or not you like chocolate… some people are just born not liking it.
It seems too simple to say that I believe we each have a natural sexual tendency that is shaped through our experiences. But I really do think its that simple.
I feel like we are born with a sense of what we like or need, but as we grow and change, so may our preferences. I think that certain things that occur in our lives influence sexual preferences, but not necessarily our sexuality.