A couple weekends ago, I saw the movie John Carter. There’s just no better way to say this: I hated it. I found the costuming and special effects, while beautiful, to be so fake looking, and the acting to be stilted, dialogue stilted. It was so cheesy, and this is coming from someone who actually watched and enjoyed the original Star Trek series!

And another that bugged me was that the female lead: her make up was always flawless and her hair looked fresh from the salon and of course the skimpy clothes, even in the middle of a desert (but no sunburns!). This total lack of realism kept me from enjoying the movie.

So we’re walking out at the end, my husband and I, and I’m getting read yo tear into this movie, like seriously. But turns out, my husband liked it! He thought it was “pretty good”. He thought the special effects “seemed okay”. And, wonder of wonders, he did NOT mind the scantily-clad woman with her perfect make up and perfect hair. She was…. wait a minute, I’m not sure he actually answered that one.

Smart man.

Well, this got me thinking. And, as thinking is wont to do, that led to other things, like conclusions and labels.

See, I don’t find any artistic value in the movie. But that girl… we can all agree she is hot, right? So, *think think*, you know, I’m going to say that ONLY VALUE that movie has is for sexual arousal. This seems totally reasonable to me.

I mean, I can see from all this online hullabaloo in the “science fiction community” that plenty of people do, in fact, find artistic value in this movie. Or, wait a minute, action and adventure community? Is there such a thing as a space opera community!? Gosh, I don’t know, but that’s not going to stop be from passing my giant wang of judgment over the proceedings, oh no!

But they SEEM to be mostly men. Perhaps it would help to generalize them as Male Cubicle-Dwellers of the Flyover States? Whatever. They enjoyed it! They want to discuss it! They want to see a sequel. All of this having little-to-nothing to do with sex. But clearly they are wrong, because I did not see the value and everyone knows I am the Lord of Art.

So, clearly John Carter is porn.

Also, backwards generalizations are always true. If one science fiction movie is porn, then it only stands to reason that ALL of them are.

That is how I came to the conclusion that science fiction is porn.

And not just any porn, mind you. That girl was way hotter than that guy! She spent all her time in skimpy outfits made of leather and sheer materials! She had the emotional complexity of a door! The guy got to have all the fun! No, this is not just generic porn for generic human creatures, this is Daddy Porn. Not StuffHerFull.com, not SuckMyRod.com. No, dammit, this is porn for men.

And this concerns me, because this poor male protagonist, oh my! He was attacked, repeatedly! With spears and swords and alien limbs! This is actual violence against men! (Disclaimer: If you stretch the word “actual” to include “fictional”)

Clearly this is not only morally degrading but also dangerous! We have to do something! Someone rally something! We can’t have menfolk thinking for themselves!

This is my call to action: please join me in my quest to rid the world of science fiction. (It might just be easier to ban all fiction. Put that on the agenda for the town hall meeting.)

Someone think of the men.

Sources:

• It’s All Porn To Me: One Man’s Review of 50 Shades of Grey (New York Daily News)
• Will Fifty Shades Of Grey Make ‘Mommy Porn’ The Next Big Thing? (Forbes)
• Dr. Drew: 50 Shades is Actual Violence Against Women
• The entire rest of the internet.

Real Disclaimer: This entire post is my satirical play on the 50 Shades/Mommy Porn debacle. Except for my lack of enjoyment of the movie, that was real. My husband not minding the pretty girl – also fact. The rest of it though: total farce.